From Denny: Ah, marriage. It works for some and not for others. It works some of the time for everyone. Human beings do seem to have a more difficult time learning how to live together in an intimate relationshiop without resorting to being too selfish or suffering from foot-in-mouth disease. There are wars among nations and domestic household wars.
Listed here are some funny quotes throughout the ages of what a variety of people have had to say on the subject of marriage. Of course, some of the funniest quotes are from Hollywood actresses like Mae West and Katherine Hepburn - both of whom never married but sure had their share of love relationships!
Quotes
* A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. - James H. Boren
* A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge, English lyrical poet, critic and philosopher, 1772-1834
* A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland
* A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. - John Steinbeck
* A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
* A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. - W. Somerset Maugham
* A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. - H. L. Mencken
* A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
* A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin
* A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. - Paul Sweeney
* A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen
* All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. - Raymond Hull
* Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage. - Sydney J. Harris
* Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan
* Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken
* Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. - Marilyn Monroe
* Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. - Jean Kerr
* Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce
* Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. - Henny Youngman
* Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
* He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. - Mae West
* How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. - Oscar Wilde
* I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all. - Lord Byron
* I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. - President Lyndon B. Johnson
* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
* I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year. - actress Bette Davis
* I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take out the garbage. - Lee Grant
* If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping. - Mignon McLaughlin
* If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. - Alan King
* If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - actress Katharine Hepburn
* In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. - Helen Rowland
* It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli
* It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. - Helen Rowland
* It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. - Robert Frost
* Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
* Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. - Stephen Leacock
* Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. - Beverley Nichols
* Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder. - Thornton Wilder
* Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. - Charles Caleb Colton
* Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - actress Mae West
* Marriage is a mistake every man should make. - George Jessel
* Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. - Billy Connolly
* Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - writer Gilbert K. Chesterton
* Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. - George Bernard Shaw
* Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Irwin Corey
* Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. - Alan King
* Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance. - Michel de Montaigne
* Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage." - Herbert Spencer
* Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it. - Josh Billings
* Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken
* Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
* My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
* Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. - Jean Rostand
* Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake. - Elbert Hubbard
* Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night. - Paul Hornung
* No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. - Benjamin Disraeli
* No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. - H. L. Mencken
* On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. - Emma Goldman
* One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. - Judith Viorst
* Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. - Joseph Joubert
* Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. - Groucho Marx
* Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn
* Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. - H. L. Mencken
* The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. - Brendan Behan
* The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. - Peter De Vries
* The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. - A. P. Herbert
* The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. - Peter De Vries
* The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. - Honore de Balzac
* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman
* The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle. - Heinrich Heine
* When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland
* When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip
* When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
* Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand
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